So hiking in a cave brings a whole new meaning to the word "darkness" They took away all the lights to let us experience total darkness, you can't see a thing. Total absence of light. As we hike through a cave for 3 hours, we are totally dependent on a hand full of lanterns to be able to find our way. We had a ranger in front leading us, and a ranger in back following us. We were completely in their care. Had something happened to them, we'd be hosed. Even with the lights, it would be a challenge for us to find our way out of a 350 mile long cave system. If we had lost the lights, our only option would be to sit and wait for help to come.
I think most of us, especially myself, lives in ignorance of the darkness we exist in. Our world is full of countless variables that we must navigate. We have some semblence of control over some things. I can choose to eat lunch or not. There are things that we have no control over, such as someone running a red light and crashing into us.
We do have a bit of light. I have some level of trust that at 5 am tomorrow my alarm will go off, I will get up, go to work, and in another week I will get a paycheck that I will use to pay my bills and buy food. Those are things that I have a reasonable level of confidence in. It's worked that way for the past 7 years, so there's a good chance it will work like that for at least the next week. But maybe it won't, maybe an accident will put me in the hospital. Maybe I'll lose my job. Maybe someone in my company will take off with all the money and there will be no pay check. There's no way that I can know or control those things. What I know about tomorrow is not 100% certain.
Even with some light, that doesn't mean that we know where we are going. I could spend the rest of my life working my current job and doing what I've done for the last 7 years, but maybe I might miss the opportunity of a lifetime. Maybe at one point the right thing to do is to change jobs, and my life will be much better. Maybe by taking a different path to work I'll avoid an accident that would leave me paralyzed for life. Maybe my next paycheck will have a bonus and that will enable me to do something life changing. Those are things that my light can't show me. I have to trust a guide as to where to go. I have to follow where he leads, because, even though I have my own light, I may choose the wrong path. I have to trust someone who knows the right path.
As I walked through the cave I considered all the different possibilities that could happen. An earthquake, the lamps going out, losing the group, falling into a pit. In the end, the only thing that I could do is follow the guide and use the light I had, and trust that those would lead to a place of safety.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Losing the battle to win the war
I'm a nerd, I'll admit it. I like history and yesterday I discovered a PBS show about Indiana in the Civil War. On one part of the show they talked about a general from Indiana who played a key role in the Civil War. The Northern troops were spread out and Washington DC was left lightly guarded. A confederate force started moving towards Washington DC and the only force available was this Hoosier general and his poorly trained troops. This general took his troops and got in the way of the confederates and took a stand. They were beaten, but they bought enough time for other troops to reinforce Washington DC. It was said that this general and his men accomplished more in their defeat than most did in victory.
So a couple of weeks ago I went kayaking. I'll admit, I had some pride issues. I was convinced that I was going to be the first HCC member to never swim. I was scared when I put on the water, but I think many times that my fear isn't so much about death or getting hurt as it is about failing. I really didn't want to blow it and I was afraid that I would. It took me all of 15 minutes on the river, directly across from the put in, to swim. My worst fear came true. As I saw on the bank of the river catching my breath, I struggled with myself. I was trying to figure out if I had the courage to ferry across the river back to my car to drive home. Somewhere I found the courage to get back in my boat. Then, somewhere I found the courage to roll my kayak twice, just to remind myself that I can do it. I didn't realize it until later, but I think I accomplished more there than if I had never swam. My fears came true and I kept going.
I think many times in my life I've never tried because I was afraid I would fail. That can be true in many parts of our life, whether it's with relationships with the opposite sex, jobs, adventures, and even our relationship with God. We don't try to push the limits because we're afraid that we'll get hurt or it won't work out. So we sit still and just try not to rock the boat. But when we do that, we fail to live and to experience all that could be. One of God's greater Graces to us is not just that He forgives us if we fail, He gives us permission to fail. No, God doesn't want us to fail. But He understands that if we don't fall down then we never learn to walk. It's simply part of the process and if we don't engage in that process, we'll never mature.
It's ok to struggle, struggling is good. Struggling means that we're meeting resistance, things are getting hard, but we're still going. We fall down and get back up. We end up swimming, but we get back in the boat. We get our pride handed to us shattered in a million little pieces, but we refuse to just sit there with the broken pieces of our heart. We persevere because we refuse to settle for mediocrity, we want to experience the fullness of what God offers us.
I struggle and many times I fall. There's been many battles that I've walked away from without trying to fight back. But there are also battles that I continue to fight. It's hard and it's scary, but I'm struggling.
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in that grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt
So a couple of weeks ago I went kayaking. I'll admit, I had some pride issues. I was convinced that I was going to be the first HCC member to never swim. I was scared when I put on the water, but I think many times that my fear isn't so much about death or getting hurt as it is about failing. I really didn't want to blow it and I was afraid that I would. It took me all of 15 minutes on the river, directly across from the put in, to swim. My worst fear came true. As I saw on the bank of the river catching my breath, I struggled with myself. I was trying to figure out if I had the courage to ferry across the river back to my car to drive home. Somewhere I found the courage to get back in my boat. Then, somewhere I found the courage to roll my kayak twice, just to remind myself that I can do it. I didn't realize it until later, but I think I accomplished more there than if I had never swam. My fears came true and I kept going.
I think many times in my life I've never tried because I was afraid I would fail. That can be true in many parts of our life, whether it's with relationships with the opposite sex, jobs, adventures, and even our relationship with God. We don't try to push the limits because we're afraid that we'll get hurt or it won't work out. So we sit still and just try not to rock the boat. But when we do that, we fail to live and to experience all that could be. One of God's greater Graces to us is not just that He forgives us if we fail, He gives us permission to fail. No, God doesn't want us to fail. But He understands that if we don't fall down then we never learn to walk. It's simply part of the process and if we don't engage in that process, we'll never mature.
It's ok to struggle, struggling is good. Struggling means that we're meeting resistance, things are getting hard, but we're still going. We fall down and get back up. We end up swimming, but we get back in the boat. We get our pride handed to us shattered in a million little pieces, but we refuse to just sit there with the broken pieces of our heart. We persevere because we refuse to settle for mediocrity, we want to experience the fullness of what God offers us.
I struggle and many times I fall. There's been many battles that I've walked away from without trying to fight back. But there are also battles that I continue to fight. It's hard and it's scary, but I'm struggling.
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in that grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt
Thursday, April 19, 2007
What do we really need?
This weekend I'm going camping at Mammoth Cave with some friends. As I'm getting together my stuff tonight I'm reminded of the contrast between car camping and backpacking for me. Even though I'm going to be staying at a developed camp ground, with showers and restrooms, a store nearby that has what I need, I always take more than I take with me backpacking. You'd think it would be reverse, when I go backpacking I'm out for 4 days with out any contact with civilization. I have to have all my food, clothing, first aid, cooking gear, sleeping stuff, everything I need to survive for 4 days in the wilderness. Yet I always take less than I do when I car camp, when civilization is right there.
I think many times our definition of "need" changes based on what we have available to us, we expand to fit the space we exist in. I take so little backpacking with me because I know that I have to carry everything on my back. So I'm willing to go with less because I know it will make my journey easier. If I know that I don't have to carry everything, I'm able to take things that may not matter for my survival but does make me more comfortable. That's ok to a point, but there also reaches a point where the stuff that makes you comfortable detracts from the experience you went out for in the first place. I absolutely hate when people take radios camping with them, I want silence! But does my fan for the roof of my tent do the same thing, drowning out the voice of the woods at night?
This very much represents two things in my life that tug at me constantly. I like being comfortable, I like gadgets, I like to be entertained. I also like simplicity, silence, and being challenged. It's difficult to find that balance between the two, because each has their time and place. Right now I think I spend too much time being comfortable. I want to be simple again, and I'm struggling with how to find that place without just running away.
I think many times our definition of "need" changes based on what we have available to us, we expand to fit the space we exist in. I take so little backpacking with me because I know that I have to carry everything on my back. So I'm willing to go with less because I know it will make my journey easier. If I know that I don't have to carry everything, I'm able to take things that may not matter for my survival but does make me more comfortable. That's ok to a point, but there also reaches a point where the stuff that makes you comfortable detracts from the experience you went out for in the first place. I absolutely hate when people take radios camping with them, I want silence! But does my fan for the roof of my tent do the same thing, drowning out the voice of the woods at night?
This very much represents two things in my life that tug at me constantly. I like being comfortable, I like gadgets, I like to be entertained. I also like simplicity, silence, and being challenged. It's difficult to find that balance between the two, because each has their time and place. Right now I think I spend too much time being comfortable. I want to be simple again, and I'm struggling with how to find that place without just running away.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Kayaking Today
I went kayaking today and I've posted details about the trip in my kayaking blog. There are pictures. PLEASE feel free to leave comments on my photos.
Kayak Journal
I ended up taking a swim. We were practicing crossing eddy lines and I messed up. An eddy line is formed when you have an object (like a rock) in the river and it creates a calm spot behind it. Where the current meets that calm, it forms a line that can be difficult to cross. So you have to make sure to cross in correctly. I didn't, and it flipped me over. I know how to roll, but I paniced. So I pulled my spray skirt and swam. It was somewhere around 45 degrees out when this happened. The guys helped me to the side. I sat a bit to catch my breath and tried to decide if I had enough courage to ferry across the river back to my car (yes, I had only gotten as far as the other side of the river). I'm not sure how I did it (have to give credit to God on this one), I got back in the boat. I did two rolls right there in the eddy to practice, and I did them ok. So we went on down the river. I did ok, not all of my eddy turns (what it's called when you cross an eddy line) were great, but no more swims. I was pretty nervous going down the river, I think mostly I was thinking of selling all my gear when I got home. We got to the take out and everything was ok.
This was a really big contrast to my trip 2 weeks ago. That one I was pretty relaxed and was able to focus a lot on the beauty of the river. I did enjoy the beauty today, but I think I spent more time worrying. This was scary. I asked myself why I was doing something that was so scary to me. I really wanted to give up, but I also knew that I would walk away feeling like a failure. I would also have to say goodbye to a lot of really great people. I also had to remember one of the reasons I decided to do this in the first place. I don't want fear to control my life. There's a lot of things that scare me, and I don't want them to. So I guess I'm going through this to build my confidence, to learn that I'm stronger and braver than I think I am. I've really needed to take on something hard, and stick with it even when it scares me. I think I've grown a lot in doing this.
I'll get a little break before I do this again. I'm going to spend this year just working on class II stuff to build my confidence. I need to get to a place where I'm fairly comfortable running something like this before making another step up.
I guess I've been humbled and encouraged. I think part of me thought that I was better than I am, a swim at the beginning ended that. I'm encouraged because, even though through the whole trip I thought about quitting, the boats weren't even loaded before I knew that I needed to keep going.
Kayak Journal
I ended up taking a swim. We were practicing crossing eddy lines and I messed up. An eddy line is formed when you have an object (like a rock) in the river and it creates a calm spot behind it. Where the current meets that calm, it forms a line that can be difficult to cross. So you have to make sure to cross in correctly. I didn't, and it flipped me over. I know how to roll, but I paniced. So I pulled my spray skirt and swam. It was somewhere around 45 degrees out when this happened. The guys helped me to the side. I sat a bit to catch my breath and tried to decide if I had enough courage to ferry across the river back to my car (yes, I had only gotten as far as the other side of the river). I'm not sure how I did it (have to give credit to God on this one), I got back in the boat. I did two rolls right there in the eddy to practice, and I did them ok. So we went on down the river. I did ok, not all of my eddy turns (what it's called when you cross an eddy line) were great, but no more swims. I was pretty nervous going down the river, I think mostly I was thinking of selling all my gear when I got home. We got to the take out and everything was ok.
This was a really big contrast to my trip 2 weeks ago. That one I was pretty relaxed and was able to focus a lot on the beauty of the river. I did enjoy the beauty today, but I think I spent more time worrying. This was scary. I asked myself why I was doing something that was so scary to me. I really wanted to give up, but I also knew that I would walk away feeling like a failure. I would also have to say goodbye to a lot of really great people. I also had to remember one of the reasons I decided to do this in the first place. I don't want fear to control my life. There's a lot of things that scare me, and I don't want them to. So I guess I'm going through this to build my confidence, to learn that I'm stronger and braver than I think I am. I've really needed to take on something hard, and stick with it even when it scares me. I think I've grown a lot in doing this.
I'll get a little break before I do this again. I'm going to spend this year just working on class II stuff to build my confidence. I need to get to a place where I'm fairly comfortable running something like this before making another step up.
I guess I've been humbled and encouraged. I think part of me thought that I was better than I am, a swim at the beginning ended that. I'm encouraged because, even though through the whole trip I thought about quitting, the boats weren't even loaded before I knew that I needed to keep going.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Can I get a witness?
If you've known me for very long, you know that there's always something on my mind. There's something I'm excited about and I talk about it a lot. Whether it's kayaking or backpacking or hiking or house church or a band, I usually talk a lot about what I'm excited about.
I think that's our nature, whatever fills our mind and our heart is what will pour out of our mouth. When we're excited about something, we talk about it. When we're upset or bitter about something, we talk about it. We have this intense feeling inside of us and we desire to share that with others. We want others to experience the feeling about it that we are feeling. If you've just crashed down a river in a raft and you're really pumped about it, you start talking with everyone else about it because you want them to try it so they know what it feels like. The new movie or the new band, it touched your heart and you want others to experience that.
Sometimes it is good to take time to look at what it is that fills our mind, heart, and speech. What is it that pours out of you, and is that what you want to reflect from your life? What does it tell others about what is important to you? And where does Jesus fit into that? Do we even get excited about Jesus?
I have to admit that sometimes I get way off course in the things that fill my heart and mind. I'm the type of person that I don't just like something, I love it. I guess I'm actually a rather passionate person and when I fall in love with something, it can really take over and it pours out of my mouth constantly. I need to do a better job of guarding my heart, making sure to only allow in the things that I want to pour out of my life. It's ok to have hobbies, favorite bands, things you like. But I need to do better about only allowing into my heart the things that are important in my relationship with God and with the people He has placed in my life. If loving God and loving others is the command my life should be based on, I should use that as the filter for everything I allow into my heart. Everything else I should keep in it's proper place, as an external thing that can be used by what is driving my heart.
Remind me of this next time I get really excited about something, but you don't hear me excited about my Lord and Savior.
I think that's our nature, whatever fills our mind and our heart is what will pour out of our mouth. When we're excited about something, we talk about it. When we're upset or bitter about something, we talk about it. We have this intense feeling inside of us and we desire to share that with others. We want others to experience the feeling about it that we are feeling. If you've just crashed down a river in a raft and you're really pumped about it, you start talking with everyone else about it because you want them to try it so they know what it feels like. The new movie or the new band, it touched your heart and you want others to experience that.
Sometimes it is good to take time to look at what it is that fills our mind, heart, and speech. What is it that pours out of you, and is that what you want to reflect from your life? What does it tell others about what is important to you? And where does Jesus fit into that? Do we even get excited about Jesus?
I have to admit that sometimes I get way off course in the things that fill my heart and mind. I'm the type of person that I don't just like something, I love it. I guess I'm actually a rather passionate person and when I fall in love with something, it can really take over and it pours out of my mouth constantly. I need to do a better job of guarding my heart, making sure to only allow in the things that I want to pour out of my life. It's ok to have hobbies, favorite bands, things you like. But I need to do better about only allowing into my heart the things that are important in my relationship with God and with the people He has placed in my life. If loving God and loving others is the command my life should be based on, I should use that as the filter for everything I allow into my heart. Everything else I should keep in it's proper place, as an external thing that can be used by what is driving my heart.
Remind me of this next time I get really excited about something, but you don't hear me excited about my Lord and Savior.
Monday, April 2, 2007
God's Creation
Photos from Big Pine trip
This was something I wrote during a moment of inspiration as church started yesterday:
How can we improve on what God has created? If we take a river, commision our best artists, utilize the most advanced technology, it still does not come close to God's original work. How can the pyramids compare with the Himalayas? How can New York or Paris compare with the Grand Canyon? Everything that man touches, as he tries to make it his own, it loses the grandeur that was there before us. But when we enter into God's creation with wonder and awe, and desire to only treasure these great gifts, we do nothing to diminish what God has done and we come away richer in every way.
This was something I wrote during a moment of inspiration as church started yesterday:
How can we improve on what God has created? If we take a river, commision our best artists, utilize the most advanced technology, it still does not come close to God's original work. How can the pyramids compare with the Himalayas? How can New York or Paris compare with the Grand Canyon? Everything that man touches, as he tries to make it his own, it loses the grandeur that was there before us. But when we enter into God's creation with wonder and awe, and desire to only treasure these great gifts, we do nothing to diminish what God has done and we come away richer in every way.
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