Just something that I'm starting to process a little more. One of the lies of satan that I struggle with the most is whether anyone really cares about me, and I'm starting to also question how much I really care about other people. I see this in my relationships with other people and it's becoming more clear how it's also in my relationship with God. I know that I care, but I also know that I'm being very guarded in how I care for others and how I let others care for me. I know that's a big place where God is challenging me right now and the dryness and hardness of my heart is becoming more and more clear to me. I've seen little ways that God has been softening me.
This week as we walked down the canyon maybe there is something of an analogy of my heart. As we began the canyon was small, narrow, and there was very little in the way of life. Occasionally there was a plant or a tree, but it was pretty dead. As the river continued to flow downstream the canyon began to widen and deepen, and more life was present. The farther we went, the more the canyon became full of life and was a wide, open place surrounded by towering mountains. Eventually the canyon dumped into the Colorado and the Grand Canyon began, continuing to grow in width and depth and life.
I see myself starting down that canyon of my heart. I think God is leading me slowly on this journey. I also see Him bringing people into my life to walk with me on that journey. I don't know how long this journey is going to take and how long those people will journey with me. But I do see the slow progression. I pray for strength and courage and persistence and that God would continue to provide water and rest when I become weary.
I'm excited to see where God leads me on this journey. I know that the biggest blessing that God has given me is incredible people in my life. I have such a wonderful bunch of people who bring different parts of life to me, whether it's adventure, good conversation, laughter, encouragement, counsel, and genuine hearts, I treasure each one. I'm excited to see God heal my heart so that I can experience the fullness of what each friendship has to offer. I know that the greatest thing about Ben Swain is the wonderful people who surround him.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Life on the other side of the fence
Disclaimer: I'm kinda tired as I write this, so it may not represent my fullest and clearest thoughts.
I had a realization tonight that kind of pained me. For the first time in my life I have a girlfriend. It has been a really cool thing, God has been teaching me some cool things and I have experienced some wonderful new parts of life. It is a joy to get to know such an amazing person in that way, I am truly blessed. However, tonight I feel like God has called me to remember some things from the past that I need to hold onto.
As a single person I remember a lot of times feeling like I was a bit of a "leper" because I wasn't in a relationship. The people who were married or in relationships had the things they did because they had someone, and the single people were left to their own. I could pretty much count on someone disappearing as soon as they got in a relationship and once they were married, I pretty much lost hope of ever getting to spend time with them again. There have been exceptions to the rule, and I have been so very grateful for those people. Last Valentine's Day when we (Wing and I) hosted a meal for people in our house churches who didn't have other plans (ie: single people), we had a couple of married couples come. This blessed me so much, that they chose to spend an evening that is very couple oriented with people who so often feel like outcasts. I know one married couple that I have seen at social outings frequently and I've always thought that was wonderful. Another couple I have spent time with did a wonderful job of making me feel welcome spending time with them, even though I could have very much felt like a third wheel. I really believe that many single people feel very excluded and left out, simply because the couples tend to separate from the single people, and those couples who are intentional about spending time with everyone, including the single people, bring a special gift in affirming that singleness is not a lesser state of being, but one which brings a different set of opportunities and challenges.
Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm seeing things from a different angle. And tonight my heart is pierced because I don't know what my single friends are up to. I value the time I spend with my girlfriend and that is very important. I also value the time I spend with other couples, that is also very valuable. But I am reminded of the value of spending time with my single friends. I remember the pain of feeling left out because I was single. I remember how much it has meant when couples were intentional about spending time with the single people. I remember thinking that when I was in a relationship I wanted to be someone who made sure that my single friends were valued and treasured.
So I guess tonight I am reminded that as my relationship continues to grow I need to treasure all my friends equally and that I am going to have to be more intentional in my relationships with some.
I had a realization tonight that kind of pained me. For the first time in my life I have a girlfriend. It has been a really cool thing, God has been teaching me some cool things and I have experienced some wonderful new parts of life. It is a joy to get to know such an amazing person in that way, I am truly blessed. However, tonight I feel like God has called me to remember some things from the past that I need to hold onto.
As a single person I remember a lot of times feeling like I was a bit of a "leper" because I wasn't in a relationship. The people who were married or in relationships had the things they did because they had someone, and the single people were left to their own. I could pretty much count on someone disappearing as soon as they got in a relationship and once they were married, I pretty much lost hope of ever getting to spend time with them again. There have been exceptions to the rule, and I have been so very grateful for those people. Last Valentine's Day when we (Wing and I) hosted a meal for people in our house churches who didn't have other plans (ie: single people), we had a couple of married couples come. This blessed me so much, that they chose to spend an evening that is very couple oriented with people who so often feel like outcasts. I know one married couple that I have seen at social outings frequently and I've always thought that was wonderful. Another couple I have spent time with did a wonderful job of making me feel welcome spending time with them, even though I could have very much felt like a third wheel. I really believe that many single people feel very excluded and left out, simply because the couples tend to separate from the single people, and those couples who are intentional about spending time with everyone, including the single people, bring a special gift in affirming that singleness is not a lesser state of being, but one which brings a different set of opportunities and challenges.
Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm seeing things from a different angle. And tonight my heart is pierced because I don't know what my single friends are up to. I value the time I spend with my girlfriend and that is very important. I also value the time I spend with other couples, that is also very valuable. But I am reminded of the value of spending time with my single friends. I remember the pain of feeling left out because I was single. I remember how much it has meant when couples were intentional about spending time with the single people. I remember thinking that when I was in a relationship I wanted to be someone who made sure that my single friends were valued and treasured.
So I guess tonight I am reminded that as my relationship continues to grow I need to treasure all my friends equally and that I am going to have to be more intentional in my relationships with some.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The anti-gospel
"300" was a movie that intrigued me. I don't like a lot of gore, but I do like movies that present the underdog fighting for honor, freedom, justice, and love. To be honest, every time I watch "Gladiator" I cry. So tonight I watched "300" and discovered the anti-gospel.
From the very beginning they make very clear that the weak, disfigured, small, and worthless are discarded. Those who are found worthy are raised to be strong, violent, and proud. Love for country and people are instilled, but because they feel they are better than anyone else. When Sparta is threated by the Persians, the king leads a small group of men out to war. People from other parts of Greece ask to join in, they are allowed to join after being insulted and treated as inferiors. A Spartan who is horribly disfigured asks to help in the battle, and is insulted and turned away because he isn't up to standard. In order to try to get the council to send the whole army, the queen surrenders her honor as a bargaining chip. After the commander of the army's son is killed, he tells the king that his heart is filled with hatred, and the king praises him for it. The idea of 300 men fighting to defend their land and their people has the appearance of something glorious, but it speaks to me nothing worthy of any glory or honor.
To contrast, I love the movie "Gladiator" and feel that in many ways it shows us many things about Christ. Maximus is the leader of the Roman legions, but he does not glory in that role. He faithfully serves his emperor and is a good leader to his men, showing that he respects them and cares for them. When the emperor wants Maximus to take over as emperor after he dies, rather than his son, he does not desire this. Rather he wants to go home to his family and live a simple life. He agrees to be steward of the position long enough to turn power back to the senate in Rome. When the emperor is murdered and they try to execute Maximus, he escapes. He returns home to find his family murdered. He is then taken as a slave and sent to Africa. There he is sold to become a gladiator. He does not desire to fight and is tired of killing. However, he chooses to lead the other slaves in battle so that they might survive. Eventually he is sent to Rome and battle in the Colleseum. There he is brought to confront the new emperor and takes his stand. I don't detect hatred in his motivation, he is not dead set on destruction at the cost of his life. He seeks justice, to restore the people to power and to make things right again. The men he fights with are not the pure bloods and the best, they are slaves, misfits, foreigners, and the least of these. He instills them with pride and worth. He does not fight the evil on the basis of hatred, pride, violence, and strength. He fights evil with love for family and his people, justice, and awknowledging the worth of the life of each person. He fights and gives himself for his people. When given the chance to make a move on the wife of the emperor, he rejects even the possibility. When given the chance to take revenge on his friend who betrayed him, he forgives. I cry at the end of this movie because I see a man who lived his life based on love, honor, justice, and forgiveness. He did not seek his own glory, but it was given to him because he was worthy of it.
That speaks to me so much because that's who Jesus is. Though Jesus deserves all glory, honor, and praise He chose to come on a rescue mission to earth. He set aside everything that He deserved and came as a nobody. He surrounded Himself with people who, in the world's eyes, had no value. He instilled value on every person He met and He stood against the injustice of this world. His actions were guided by love. Jesus could have come as the new emperor of Rome, had all worldly power given to Him, had riches and pleasures beyond our imagination. In doing so, he would just be another tyrant. He came as nothing to show us that He deserves the glory due Him, because He came to serve others and lift them up. His motivation was love and justice and the value of every human soul. He came because He saw that this world was broken and that His people were suffering. He wanted to help them, and He knew that could only happen if the people knew that He was doing it for them and not for Himself.
I think "300" made for a really interesting contrast to the gospel. I can't say I felt for any of those men because they represent what is wrong with this world. We could do with a lot less Spartan kings and a lot more men like Maximus. More than that, we need a lot more people who are living the life of Jesus in this world.
From the very beginning they make very clear that the weak, disfigured, small, and worthless are discarded. Those who are found worthy are raised to be strong, violent, and proud. Love for country and people are instilled, but because they feel they are better than anyone else. When Sparta is threated by the Persians, the king leads a small group of men out to war. People from other parts of Greece ask to join in, they are allowed to join after being insulted and treated as inferiors. A Spartan who is horribly disfigured asks to help in the battle, and is insulted and turned away because he isn't up to standard. In order to try to get the council to send the whole army, the queen surrenders her honor as a bargaining chip. After the commander of the army's son is killed, he tells the king that his heart is filled with hatred, and the king praises him for it. The idea of 300 men fighting to defend their land and their people has the appearance of something glorious, but it speaks to me nothing worthy of any glory or honor.
To contrast, I love the movie "Gladiator" and feel that in many ways it shows us many things about Christ. Maximus is the leader of the Roman legions, but he does not glory in that role. He faithfully serves his emperor and is a good leader to his men, showing that he respects them and cares for them. When the emperor wants Maximus to take over as emperor after he dies, rather than his son, he does not desire this. Rather he wants to go home to his family and live a simple life. He agrees to be steward of the position long enough to turn power back to the senate in Rome. When the emperor is murdered and they try to execute Maximus, he escapes. He returns home to find his family murdered. He is then taken as a slave and sent to Africa. There he is sold to become a gladiator. He does not desire to fight and is tired of killing. However, he chooses to lead the other slaves in battle so that they might survive. Eventually he is sent to Rome and battle in the Colleseum. There he is brought to confront the new emperor and takes his stand. I don't detect hatred in his motivation, he is not dead set on destruction at the cost of his life. He seeks justice, to restore the people to power and to make things right again. The men he fights with are not the pure bloods and the best, they are slaves, misfits, foreigners, and the least of these. He instills them with pride and worth. He does not fight the evil on the basis of hatred, pride, violence, and strength. He fights evil with love for family and his people, justice, and awknowledging the worth of the life of each person. He fights and gives himself for his people. When given the chance to make a move on the wife of the emperor, he rejects even the possibility. When given the chance to take revenge on his friend who betrayed him, he forgives. I cry at the end of this movie because I see a man who lived his life based on love, honor, justice, and forgiveness. He did not seek his own glory, but it was given to him because he was worthy of it.
That speaks to me so much because that's who Jesus is. Though Jesus deserves all glory, honor, and praise He chose to come on a rescue mission to earth. He set aside everything that He deserved and came as a nobody. He surrounded Himself with people who, in the world's eyes, had no value. He instilled value on every person He met and He stood against the injustice of this world. His actions were guided by love. Jesus could have come as the new emperor of Rome, had all worldly power given to Him, had riches and pleasures beyond our imagination. In doing so, he would just be another tyrant. He came as nothing to show us that He deserves the glory due Him, because He came to serve others and lift them up. His motivation was love and justice and the value of every human soul. He came because He saw that this world was broken and that His people were suffering. He wanted to help them, and He knew that could only happen if the people knew that He was doing it for them and not for Himself.
I think "300" made for a really interesting contrast to the gospel. I can't say I felt for any of those men because they represent what is wrong with this world. We could do with a lot less Spartan kings and a lot more men like Maximus. More than that, we need a lot more people who are living the life of Jesus in this world.
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