Husbands and Wives

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." Ephesians 5:21-30

So as I prepare to become a husband, I am learning much about this passage that Paul shared with the people of Ephesus. There are many who hate this passage, as it has been used to abuse so many women and cause much harm in marriages. However, that was not Paul's intent when he wrote this letter. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Julie has been going through a difficult time lately. Some deep wounds from her past have been opened and it has been hard for her. At times she feels bad because she feels like she is hurting me, or she becomes afraid that because of some of the things that have come to the surface that I might run away from her. However, as I have seen the pain the woman I love has been going through the opposite has happened. I see the woman I love hurting and I want to comfort her and protect her. I want to fight for her heart and stand next to her as she goes through this difficult time. I have found that I consider it a joy, honor, and privilege to be by her side through this. You see, I get to be Jesus to her.

So imagine that one day Tony Dungy calls you up and says "Hey, Peyton can't plan in the game on Sunday. Can you fill in for him?" I imagine that most people would jump at the chance. Well, in a sense God called me up and said "Hey Ben, Jesus is kinda busy trying to work on that nightmare in Darfur. He knows that Julie is hurting and in need of help. Can you cover for Jesus?" What an honor to go as a representative of Jesus. That was what Paul meant when he called husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. God has called men to be Jesus to their wives. Now that's a pretty high calling for men, and men are not typically well known for knowing how to handle a woman's heart. That's why God gave us the Holy Spirit, He knew that men needed God in them to do what the men couldn't do on their own. But men need to have the heart of loving and serving their wife, protecting them and honoring them and being Jesus to them. And because God has entrusted the hearts of their wives to them, we are going to be held accountable for how we cared for their hearts. While we speak of giving our hearts to our loved one, in truth they are just on loan. Julie's heart does not fully belong to me, it belongs to God and He has entrusted it to my care. Some day I have to give her heart back to God when He calls her home to be with Him. I'm going to have to answer about how I cared for her heart. If I have abused and mistreated it, God will not be happy with me. But if I have honored and protected it, I not only will have the joy of God saying to me "well done good and faithful servant", I also get the joy of experiencing everything Julie's whole and healed heart has to offer. So more than anything, I want to protect and honor and care for Julie's heart in every way that I can. As her heart goes through this healing process, it is my joy to walk with her through this. I get to be Jesus to her, I get to love her, I get to be a part of God working in her life, I get the joy of sharing in her healed heart once God has taken her through this healing process.

As to the "wives submit to your husbands" part that is abused and hated, I think it is viewed that way because not enough men have loved their wives correctly. If a woman knew that her heart was totally loved, cherished, protected, and safe, then she would trust her husband. Especially because the husband did not act in his own best interest, but in the interest of his wife.

I really believe that the foundational passage for marriage is actually Philippians 2:1-8

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"

If a husband and wife truly became one, always putting the other ahead of themselves, then we would be following the example of Christ and how He loved the church. Loving your spouse is not about getting what you want, but seeking the best for the other. It's about being Jesus to each other. So often we see that as a duty, but if we are loving with Christ's love then we find joy in that.

I'm still new at this stuff and still figuring it out. I know that I'm not always going to be perfect in loving. But as I watch my bride to be, my heart longs to love her as Jesus loves her, to see God's power work in her that she would be healed and whole and experiencing all that God has created her to be. It's my honor and privilege to be by her side, to get a front row seat to seeing the Glory of God at work in her life.