Letting go or giving up?

I've been wrestling with a decision lately. I used to really love music, especially electric guitar, and I wanted to play. I got really into it, buying the gear and trying to learn. I probably spent more time listening, reading, dreaming, and buying gear than I actually did practicing. OK, I know I did. But it was something that was really important to me. Towards the end of this period I owned an acoustic guitar, a stratocaster, and a telecaster. Then after a while this interest faded and suddenly it was months since I had even picked up any of my guitars. Then I took up an interest in kayaking and the outdoors, and I chose to sell my stratocaster to buy my kayak. I told myself that I would always hold onto the telecaster and the acoustic because I would probably be back to them and they are great instruments that I really like and would be hard to replace.

Lately I've been looking at selling off more of my gear and I'm considering selling my telecaster. This is something I've been wrestling with, because I don't know if it would mean letting go of an unrealistic dream or giving up on something because I think I'll fail. I'm really not sure. Given my past dedication to playing guitar and my current desire to play, I don't really feel like I will really ever pick it up again. I have a lot of other interests that are important to me and maybe this is one dream that I just need to let go of. When I first started it was important, but as time went on I figured out that I just wasn't that into it. So maybe it's best to let go because I can put that money towards another interest and I don't have it sitting around home collecting dust. At the same time, I know music is something that is important in my life. Right now it's a little lower on the priority list, but it's something that has always come and gone in my life. However, there is a fear in me that I'll never be any good and it's just wasting my time and energy when I could be putting it towards something I have a better chance at succeeding at. But I don't want to give up on something because of fear. I don't want to live my life giving up on hard stuff and taking the easy way out, because usually the hard way is the one God calls us to. Fear is a tactic of Satan to keep us from the things that God has for us. I don't want to have something beautiful like music and my tele to be stolen from me by fear. I know that I could always go buy another guitar sometime if I want to do it again, but part of me feels like it would be giving up and I really like this guitar. I would be hard to replace.

If I choose to keep it, I don't see myself playing anytime soon. It's just not important in my life right now. I have a wonderful girlfriend, my interest in kayaking, and other outdoors stuff that are taking my time an energy. And I need to be giving more to other important relationships in my life. But maybe some day I'll return to it. Or maybe not.

I guess I'm seeking discernment as to whether walking away from this would be letting go of something that isn't meant to be, or if it would be giving up on something that may be out of season right now but important in my life in the future.

Have you ever noticed.....

Have you ever noticed that in all the quiz things that go around, have many of them ask questions that are used for security questions to access your bank account and other sensitive information? Something to think about......

Stupid retirement account seems to think I don't know the answer to my own security question though.....

Planet Earth - The End

I finished off the "Planet Earth" DVD's tonight. If you haven't seen this series, it is a MUST watch. Some of the most incredible scenery ever, so beautiful. I have to admit that I waited a while to watch the last 3 episodes, because I knew what was coming. They were all about how humans are impacting the world, and it didn't bring many warm fuzzies.

It is depressing to see what we have done to this world. God created this world and called it good. Then He gave us the job of caring for it, and we've screwed it up pretty bad. Just in the city of Indianapolis things are pretty crappy. We can't see the stars because of all the light pollution (this summer in Kentucky and Utah I finally saw the Milky Way for the first time). If we get very much rain in a small period of time, millions of gallons of raw sewage gets dumped in the White River. Every new subdivision is marked by a complete lack of trees. Walk along a street or highway and look at the trash that lines it. There's no where in the city that you can go for true peace and quiet (if you think it's here, you don't know what it is). But even when I go out into the wilderness I find how we have managed to screw things up. Red River Gorge is rather overused. As much as I love it, there's a lot of trash and you can see where humans have trampled over a lot of things. Carving their names in the rocks and trees. In Glacier we found trash along the trail, though not as much as we expected (which is sad that we expected any). In Utah in a canyon, mile and miles from any kind of terrain that a vehicle could make it through, we found large truck tires. It was ridiculous. Don't even get me started on Las Vegas, that is the antithesis of everything I find to be good in life.

But moving beyond the environment, look at what we are doing to people. When 6,000 people a day die in Africa due to simple things like clean drinking water or diseases that we treat with simple over-the-counter medicine from CVS. Or people in Indianapolis who struggle to make it by each day, without basic things that most of us take for granted. Let's face it, the human race has don't a pretty crappy job of taking care of the things God told us to take care of.

But I have to stop and look at what I'm doing to help make things better. Ouch. There's a few things I've done. I'm a member of American Whitewater, and I support missionaries to Africa who are helping with AIDS education and taking care of orphans. I've been making an effort to reuse grocery bags and recycle things. I've been involved in some inner city work. But to be honest with myself, I've been pretty lazy about everything. I'm a part of the problem, not a part of the solution. I've been really challenged to consider what I'm doing to make this world a better place, even if it's just a small piece. I'm not sure what all that involves, but I'll work on it. One interesting thought that occurred to me. If I'm looking at moving to Oregon, in making a job change am I willing to pass on a job opportunity simple because I object to what the job is supporting? I found a job posting for a company that does work with logging, with I really have a problem with (I've seen clear cut forests, it's horrible).

I'm just thinking, I don't have any answers to any of this. But I thought it was really interesting that as Planet Earth explored the issues of conservation that they presented a well balanced view of a lot of things. They presented the idea that hunting is part of conservation of endangered species. They presented the idea that an African family is not going to choose to save a tree at the cost of not feeding their child. That people have to be considered as well as the environment, though taking care of the environment is vital to taking care of the people. They presented the idea that those who believe that God created this world have a responsibility to care for it.

I look forward to the day when God wipes out everything we've done to screw this world up and makes everything new. I'm excited to see what this world looks like as God intended it to be. Until then, I'd like to enjoy what we have now because that's pretty cool too. I think it's worth caring for, the planet and the people.

The Canyon of the Heart

Just something that I'm starting to process a little more. One of the lies of satan that I struggle with the most is whether anyone really cares about me, and I'm starting to also question how much I really care about other people. I see this in my relationships with other people and it's becoming more clear how it's also in my relationship with God. I know that I care, but I also know that I'm being very guarded in how I care for others and how I let others care for me. I know that's a big place where God is challenging me right now and the dryness and hardness of my heart is becoming more and more clear to me. I've seen little ways that God has been softening me.

This week as we walked down the canyon maybe there is something of an analogy of my heart. As we began the canyon was small, narrow, and there was very little in the way of life. Occasionally there was a plant or a tree, but it was pretty dead. As the river continued to flow downstream the canyon began to widen and deepen, and more life was present. The farther we went, the more the canyon became full of life and was a wide, open place surrounded by towering mountains. Eventually the canyon dumped into the Colorado and the Grand Canyon began, continuing to grow in width and depth and life.

I see myself starting down that canyon of my heart. I think God is leading me slowly on this journey. I also see Him bringing people into my life to walk with me on that journey. I don't know how long this journey is going to take and how long those people will journey with me. But I do see the slow progression. I pray for strength and courage and persistence and that God would continue to provide water and rest when I become weary.

I'm excited to see where God leads me on this journey. I know that the biggest blessing that God has given me is incredible people in my life. I have such a wonderful bunch of people who bring different parts of life to me, whether it's adventure, good conversation, laughter, encouragement, counsel, and genuine hearts, I treasure each one. I'm excited to see God heal my heart so that I can experience the fullness of what each friendship has to offer. I know that the greatest thing about Ben Swain is the wonderful people who surround him.

Life on the other side of the fence

Disclaimer: I'm kinda tired as I write this, so it may not represent my fullest and clearest thoughts.

I had a realization tonight that kind of pained me. For the first time in my life I have a girlfriend. It has been a really cool thing, God has been teaching me some cool things and I have experienced some wonderful new parts of life. It is a joy to get to know such an amazing person in that way, I am truly blessed. However, tonight I feel like God has called me to remember some things from the past that I need to hold onto.

As a single person I remember a lot of times feeling like I was a bit of a "leper" because I wasn't in a relationship. The people who were married or in relationships had the things they did because they had someone, and the single people were left to their own. I could pretty much count on someone disappearing as soon as they got in a relationship and once they were married, I pretty much lost hope of ever getting to spend time with them again. There have been exceptions to the rule, and I have been so very grateful for those people. Last Valentine's Day when we (Wing and I) hosted a meal for people in our house churches who didn't have other plans (ie: single people), we had a couple of married couples come. This blessed me so much, that they chose to spend an evening that is very couple oriented with people who so often feel like outcasts. I know one married couple that I have seen at social outings frequently and I've always thought that was wonderful. Another couple I have spent time with did a wonderful job of making me feel welcome spending time with them, even though I could have very much felt like a third wheel. I really believe that many single people feel very excluded and left out, simply because the couples tend to separate from the single people, and those couples who are intentional about spending time with everyone, including the single people, bring a special gift in affirming that singleness is not a lesser state of being, but one which brings a different set of opportunities and challenges.

Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm seeing things from a different angle. And tonight my heart is pierced because I don't know what my single friends are up to. I value the time I spend with my girlfriend and that is very important. I also value the time I spend with other couples, that is also very valuable. But I am reminded of the value of spending time with my single friends. I remember the pain of feeling left out because I was single. I remember how much it has meant when couples were intentional about spending time with the single people. I remember thinking that when I was in a relationship I wanted to be someone who made sure that my single friends were valued and treasured.

So I guess tonight I am reminded that as my relationship continues to grow I need to treasure all my friends equally and that I am going to have to be more intentional in my relationships with some.

The anti-gospel

"300" was a movie that intrigued me. I don't like a lot of gore, but I do like movies that present the underdog fighting for honor, freedom, justice, and love. To be honest, every time I watch "Gladiator" I cry. So tonight I watched "300" and discovered the anti-gospel.

From the very beginning they make very clear that the weak, disfigured, small, and worthless are discarded. Those who are found worthy are raised to be strong, violent, and proud. Love for country and people are instilled, but because they feel they are better than anyone else. When Sparta is threated by the Persians, the king leads a small group of men out to war. People from other parts of Greece ask to join in, they are allowed to join after being insulted and treated as inferiors. A Spartan who is horribly disfigured asks to help in the battle, and is insulted and turned away because he isn't up to standard. In order to try to get the council to send the whole army, the queen surrenders her honor as a bargaining chip. After the commander of the army's son is killed, he tells the king that his heart is filled with hatred, and the king praises him for it. The idea of 300 men fighting to defend their land and their people has the appearance of something glorious, but it speaks to me nothing worthy of any glory or honor.

To contrast, I love the movie "Gladiator" and feel that in many ways it shows us many things about Christ. Maximus is the leader of the Roman legions, but he does not glory in that role. He faithfully serves his emperor and is a good leader to his men, showing that he respects them and cares for them. When the emperor wants Maximus to take over as emperor after he dies, rather than his son, he does not desire this. Rather he wants to go home to his family and live a simple life. He agrees to be steward of the position long enough to turn power back to the senate in Rome. When the emperor is murdered and they try to execute Maximus, he escapes. He returns home to find his family murdered. He is then taken as a slave and sent to Africa. There he is sold to become a gladiator. He does not desire to fight and is tired of killing. However, he chooses to lead the other slaves in battle so that they might survive. Eventually he is sent to Rome and battle in the Colleseum. There he is brought to confront the new emperor and takes his stand. I don't detect hatred in his motivation, he is not dead set on destruction at the cost of his life. He seeks justice, to restore the people to power and to make things right again. The men he fights with are not the pure bloods and the best, they are slaves, misfits, foreigners, and the least of these. He instills them with pride and worth. He does not fight the evil on the basis of hatred, pride, violence, and strength. He fights evil with love for family and his people, justice, and awknowledging the worth of the life of each person. He fights and gives himself for his people. When given the chance to make a move on the wife of the emperor, he rejects even the possibility. When given the chance to take revenge on his friend who betrayed him, he forgives. I cry at the end of this movie because I see a man who lived his life based on love, honor, justice, and forgiveness. He did not seek his own glory, but it was given to him because he was worthy of it.

That speaks to me so much because that's who Jesus is. Though Jesus deserves all glory, honor, and praise He chose to come on a rescue mission to earth. He set aside everything that He deserved and came as a nobody. He surrounded Himself with people who, in the world's eyes, had no value. He instilled value on every person He met and He stood against the injustice of this world. His actions were guided by love. Jesus could have come as the new emperor of Rome, had all worldly power given to Him, had riches and pleasures beyond our imagination. In doing so, he would just be another tyrant. He came as nothing to show us that He deserves the glory due Him, because He came to serve others and lift them up. His motivation was love and justice and the value of every human soul. He came because He saw that this world was broken and that His people were suffering. He wanted to help them, and He knew that could only happen if the people knew that He was doing it for them and not for Himself.

I think "300" made for a really interesting contrast to the gospel. I can't say I felt for any of those men because they represent what is wrong with this world. We could do with a lot less Spartan kings and a lot more men like Maximus. More than that, we need a lot more people who are living the life of Jesus in this world.

Give Me A Story

Larry shared this at church yesterday and I thought it was powerful

Give Me A Story
you want a statement to sum up the mission of God
go ahead
find your statement
make one up to help you
feel secure inside your safety cage of words
belted in by cords of cliches
locked up by logos lifted from sunday school memories
but give me a story
give my friends a story
so that they are not sentenced to meaningless lives
dont give me a story that I can easily believe in
give me a script that I struggle to understand
that stretches my faith,
that demands life insurance
give me a story that will rip me from my career
and pummel me into a quest beyond my capabilities
i need something worth dying for
i have most of my life left to give
but I need a story worthy of my investment
give me a story that I can touch
and smell
a story with real people
a story with a face.
a story with my face
my role
my place
my script
because I am
preselected to be a player
in this story that rolls its plot out in front of me
likearunawaycarpetunravellingfasterthanicanrun
in more directions than I can predict
in more colors than I can comprehend
a story that woos out my potential
and calls me
out of myself
to be who I really am
give me A story
give me THE story
give me MY story
tell me that God is bigger than you
BIGGER than your statements of ink
BIGGER than your powerpoint animations
than your projections of numbers
that make you impressed
but that make God stoop
give me a story that
makes me gloriously
a l i v e
to the purpose of God
makes me run without breath to keep up with His spirit
and at the same time
inviting me to
dance slowly
erotically
with
God
in an
end
les
s
m
o
m
e
n
t
of warm passion
nesting me in peace
and safety
tell me the story in new words
so that I dont trip over lame phrases of impotence
so that my mind does not vanillarize
over trivial expressions
used mindlessly by millions
who use words to steal mystery
from a transcendent God
who speaks freshly
with new mercies every morning
!surprises!
that awaken me from sleep mode
that spark in me new thoughts
dreams of impossible feats
daring adventures
miracles of the Almighty
performed by the hands
and prayers
of backstreet
backstage
people
in goodwill rags
you want a statement?
go ahead
i dare ya
double-dare ya
to box up The Omnipotent
to catch the Spirit of God
to nail the Son
on a cross-word puzzle
go ahead and try
but I wont hold my breath
and you wont hold the mission of God on a bumper sticker

Andrew Jones
Colorado Springs
December 2001