Letting go or giving up?

I've been wrestling with a decision lately. I used to really love music, especially electric guitar, and I wanted to play. I got really into it, buying the gear and trying to learn. I probably spent more time listening, reading, dreaming, and buying gear than I actually did practicing. OK, I know I did. But it was something that was really important to me. Towards the end of this period I owned an acoustic guitar, a stratocaster, and a telecaster. Then after a while this interest faded and suddenly it was months since I had even picked up any of my guitars. Then I took up an interest in kayaking and the outdoors, and I chose to sell my stratocaster to buy my kayak. I told myself that I would always hold onto the telecaster and the acoustic because I would probably be back to them and they are great instruments that I really like and would be hard to replace.

Lately I've been looking at selling off more of my gear and I'm considering selling my telecaster. This is something I've been wrestling with, because I don't know if it would mean letting go of an unrealistic dream or giving up on something because I think I'll fail. I'm really not sure. Given my past dedication to playing guitar and my current desire to play, I don't really feel like I will really ever pick it up again. I have a lot of other interests that are important to me and maybe this is one dream that I just need to let go of. When I first started it was important, but as time went on I figured out that I just wasn't that into it. So maybe it's best to let go because I can put that money towards another interest and I don't have it sitting around home collecting dust. At the same time, I know music is something that is important in my life. Right now it's a little lower on the priority list, but it's something that has always come and gone in my life. However, there is a fear in me that I'll never be any good and it's just wasting my time and energy when I could be putting it towards something I have a better chance at succeeding at. But I don't want to give up on something because of fear. I don't want to live my life giving up on hard stuff and taking the easy way out, because usually the hard way is the one God calls us to. Fear is a tactic of Satan to keep us from the things that God has for us. I don't want to have something beautiful like music and my tele to be stolen from me by fear. I know that I could always go buy another guitar sometime if I want to do it again, but part of me feels like it would be giving up and I really like this guitar. I would be hard to replace.

If I choose to keep it, I don't see myself playing anytime soon. It's just not important in my life right now. I have a wonderful girlfriend, my interest in kayaking, and other outdoors stuff that are taking my time an energy. And I need to be giving more to other important relationships in my life. But maybe some day I'll return to it. Or maybe not.

I guess I'm seeking discernment as to whether walking away from this would be letting go of something that isn't meant to be, or if it would be giving up on something that may be out of season right now but important in my life in the future.

Have you ever noticed.....

Have you ever noticed that in all the quiz things that go around, have many of them ask questions that are used for security questions to access your bank account and other sensitive information? Something to think about......

Stupid retirement account seems to think I don't know the answer to my own security question though.....

Planet Earth - The End

I finished off the "Planet Earth" DVD's tonight. If you haven't seen this series, it is a MUST watch. Some of the most incredible scenery ever, so beautiful. I have to admit that I waited a while to watch the last 3 episodes, because I knew what was coming. They were all about how humans are impacting the world, and it didn't bring many warm fuzzies.

It is depressing to see what we have done to this world. God created this world and called it good. Then He gave us the job of caring for it, and we've screwed it up pretty bad. Just in the city of Indianapolis things are pretty crappy. We can't see the stars because of all the light pollution (this summer in Kentucky and Utah I finally saw the Milky Way for the first time). If we get very much rain in a small period of time, millions of gallons of raw sewage gets dumped in the White River. Every new subdivision is marked by a complete lack of trees. Walk along a street or highway and look at the trash that lines it. There's no where in the city that you can go for true peace and quiet (if you think it's here, you don't know what it is). But even when I go out into the wilderness I find how we have managed to screw things up. Red River Gorge is rather overused. As much as I love it, there's a lot of trash and you can see where humans have trampled over a lot of things. Carving their names in the rocks and trees. In Glacier we found trash along the trail, though not as much as we expected (which is sad that we expected any). In Utah in a canyon, mile and miles from any kind of terrain that a vehicle could make it through, we found large truck tires. It was ridiculous. Don't even get me started on Las Vegas, that is the antithesis of everything I find to be good in life.

But moving beyond the environment, look at what we are doing to people. When 6,000 people a day die in Africa due to simple things like clean drinking water or diseases that we treat with simple over-the-counter medicine from CVS. Or people in Indianapolis who struggle to make it by each day, without basic things that most of us take for granted. Let's face it, the human race has don't a pretty crappy job of taking care of the things God told us to take care of.

But I have to stop and look at what I'm doing to help make things better. Ouch. There's a few things I've done. I'm a member of American Whitewater, and I support missionaries to Africa who are helping with AIDS education and taking care of orphans. I've been making an effort to reuse grocery bags and recycle things. I've been involved in some inner city work. But to be honest with myself, I've been pretty lazy about everything. I'm a part of the problem, not a part of the solution. I've been really challenged to consider what I'm doing to make this world a better place, even if it's just a small piece. I'm not sure what all that involves, but I'll work on it. One interesting thought that occurred to me. If I'm looking at moving to Oregon, in making a job change am I willing to pass on a job opportunity simple because I object to what the job is supporting? I found a job posting for a company that does work with logging, with I really have a problem with (I've seen clear cut forests, it's horrible).

I'm just thinking, I don't have any answers to any of this. But I thought it was really interesting that as Planet Earth explored the issues of conservation that they presented a well balanced view of a lot of things. They presented the idea that hunting is part of conservation of endangered species. They presented the idea that an African family is not going to choose to save a tree at the cost of not feeding their child. That people have to be considered as well as the environment, though taking care of the environment is vital to taking care of the people. They presented the idea that those who believe that God created this world have a responsibility to care for it.

I look forward to the day when God wipes out everything we've done to screw this world up and makes everything new. I'm excited to see what this world looks like as God intended it to be. Until then, I'd like to enjoy what we have now because that's pretty cool too. I think it's worth caring for, the planet and the people.

The Canyon of the Heart

Just something that I'm starting to process a little more. One of the lies of satan that I struggle with the most is whether anyone really cares about me, and I'm starting to also question how much I really care about other people. I see this in my relationships with other people and it's becoming more clear how it's also in my relationship with God. I know that I care, but I also know that I'm being very guarded in how I care for others and how I let others care for me. I know that's a big place where God is challenging me right now and the dryness and hardness of my heart is becoming more and more clear to me. I've seen little ways that God has been softening me.

This week as we walked down the canyon maybe there is something of an analogy of my heart. As we began the canyon was small, narrow, and there was very little in the way of life. Occasionally there was a plant or a tree, but it was pretty dead. As the river continued to flow downstream the canyon began to widen and deepen, and more life was present. The farther we went, the more the canyon became full of life and was a wide, open place surrounded by towering mountains. Eventually the canyon dumped into the Colorado and the Grand Canyon began, continuing to grow in width and depth and life.

I see myself starting down that canyon of my heart. I think God is leading me slowly on this journey. I also see Him bringing people into my life to walk with me on that journey. I don't know how long this journey is going to take and how long those people will journey with me. But I do see the slow progression. I pray for strength and courage and persistence and that God would continue to provide water and rest when I become weary.

I'm excited to see where God leads me on this journey. I know that the biggest blessing that God has given me is incredible people in my life. I have such a wonderful bunch of people who bring different parts of life to me, whether it's adventure, good conversation, laughter, encouragement, counsel, and genuine hearts, I treasure each one. I'm excited to see God heal my heart so that I can experience the fullness of what each friendship has to offer. I know that the greatest thing about Ben Swain is the wonderful people who surround him.

Life on the other side of the fence

Disclaimer: I'm kinda tired as I write this, so it may not represent my fullest and clearest thoughts.

I had a realization tonight that kind of pained me. For the first time in my life I have a girlfriend. It has been a really cool thing, God has been teaching me some cool things and I have experienced some wonderful new parts of life. It is a joy to get to know such an amazing person in that way, I am truly blessed. However, tonight I feel like God has called me to remember some things from the past that I need to hold onto.

As a single person I remember a lot of times feeling like I was a bit of a "leper" because I wasn't in a relationship. The people who were married or in relationships had the things they did because they had someone, and the single people were left to their own. I could pretty much count on someone disappearing as soon as they got in a relationship and once they were married, I pretty much lost hope of ever getting to spend time with them again. There have been exceptions to the rule, and I have been so very grateful for those people. Last Valentine's Day when we (Wing and I) hosted a meal for people in our house churches who didn't have other plans (ie: single people), we had a couple of married couples come. This blessed me so much, that they chose to spend an evening that is very couple oriented with people who so often feel like outcasts. I know one married couple that I have seen at social outings frequently and I've always thought that was wonderful. Another couple I have spent time with did a wonderful job of making me feel welcome spending time with them, even though I could have very much felt like a third wheel. I really believe that many single people feel very excluded and left out, simply because the couples tend to separate from the single people, and those couples who are intentional about spending time with everyone, including the single people, bring a special gift in affirming that singleness is not a lesser state of being, but one which brings a different set of opportunities and challenges.

Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm seeing things from a different angle. And tonight my heart is pierced because I don't know what my single friends are up to. I value the time I spend with my girlfriend and that is very important. I also value the time I spend with other couples, that is also very valuable. But I am reminded of the value of spending time with my single friends. I remember the pain of feeling left out because I was single. I remember how much it has meant when couples were intentional about spending time with the single people. I remember thinking that when I was in a relationship I wanted to be someone who made sure that my single friends were valued and treasured.

So I guess tonight I am reminded that as my relationship continues to grow I need to treasure all my friends equally and that I am going to have to be more intentional in my relationships with some.

The anti-gospel

"300" was a movie that intrigued me. I don't like a lot of gore, but I do like movies that present the underdog fighting for honor, freedom, justice, and love. To be honest, every time I watch "Gladiator" I cry. So tonight I watched "300" and discovered the anti-gospel.

From the very beginning they make very clear that the weak, disfigured, small, and worthless are discarded. Those who are found worthy are raised to be strong, violent, and proud. Love for country and people are instilled, but because they feel they are better than anyone else. When Sparta is threated by the Persians, the king leads a small group of men out to war. People from other parts of Greece ask to join in, they are allowed to join after being insulted and treated as inferiors. A Spartan who is horribly disfigured asks to help in the battle, and is insulted and turned away because he isn't up to standard. In order to try to get the council to send the whole army, the queen surrenders her honor as a bargaining chip. After the commander of the army's son is killed, he tells the king that his heart is filled with hatred, and the king praises him for it. The idea of 300 men fighting to defend their land and their people has the appearance of something glorious, but it speaks to me nothing worthy of any glory or honor.

To contrast, I love the movie "Gladiator" and feel that in many ways it shows us many things about Christ. Maximus is the leader of the Roman legions, but he does not glory in that role. He faithfully serves his emperor and is a good leader to his men, showing that he respects them and cares for them. When the emperor wants Maximus to take over as emperor after he dies, rather than his son, he does not desire this. Rather he wants to go home to his family and live a simple life. He agrees to be steward of the position long enough to turn power back to the senate in Rome. When the emperor is murdered and they try to execute Maximus, he escapes. He returns home to find his family murdered. He is then taken as a slave and sent to Africa. There he is sold to become a gladiator. He does not desire to fight and is tired of killing. However, he chooses to lead the other slaves in battle so that they might survive. Eventually he is sent to Rome and battle in the Colleseum. There he is brought to confront the new emperor and takes his stand. I don't detect hatred in his motivation, he is not dead set on destruction at the cost of his life. He seeks justice, to restore the people to power and to make things right again. The men he fights with are not the pure bloods and the best, they are slaves, misfits, foreigners, and the least of these. He instills them with pride and worth. He does not fight the evil on the basis of hatred, pride, violence, and strength. He fights evil with love for family and his people, justice, and awknowledging the worth of the life of each person. He fights and gives himself for his people. When given the chance to make a move on the wife of the emperor, he rejects even the possibility. When given the chance to take revenge on his friend who betrayed him, he forgives. I cry at the end of this movie because I see a man who lived his life based on love, honor, justice, and forgiveness. He did not seek his own glory, but it was given to him because he was worthy of it.

That speaks to me so much because that's who Jesus is. Though Jesus deserves all glory, honor, and praise He chose to come on a rescue mission to earth. He set aside everything that He deserved and came as a nobody. He surrounded Himself with people who, in the world's eyes, had no value. He instilled value on every person He met and He stood against the injustice of this world. His actions were guided by love. Jesus could have come as the new emperor of Rome, had all worldly power given to Him, had riches and pleasures beyond our imagination. In doing so, he would just be another tyrant. He came as nothing to show us that He deserves the glory due Him, because He came to serve others and lift them up. His motivation was love and justice and the value of every human soul. He came because He saw that this world was broken and that His people were suffering. He wanted to help them, and He knew that could only happen if the people knew that He was doing it for them and not for Himself.

I think "300" made for a really interesting contrast to the gospel. I can't say I felt for any of those men because they represent what is wrong with this world. We could do with a lot less Spartan kings and a lot more men like Maximus. More than that, we need a lot more people who are living the life of Jesus in this world.

Give Me A Story

Larry shared this at church yesterday and I thought it was powerful

Give Me A Story
you want a statement to sum up the mission of God
go ahead
find your statement
make one up to help you
feel secure inside your safety cage of words
belted in by cords of cliches
locked up by logos lifted from sunday school memories
but give me a story
give my friends a story
so that they are not sentenced to meaningless lives
dont give me a story that I can easily believe in
give me a script that I struggle to understand
that stretches my faith,
that demands life insurance
give me a story that will rip me from my career
and pummel me into a quest beyond my capabilities
i need something worth dying for
i have most of my life left to give
but I need a story worthy of my investment
give me a story that I can touch
and smell
a story with real people
a story with a face.
a story with my face
my role
my place
my script
because I am
preselected to be a player
in this story that rolls its plot out in front of me
likearunawaycarpetunravellingfasterthanicanrun
in more directions than I can predict
in more colors than I can comprehend
a story that woos out my potential
and calls me
out of myself
to be who I really am
give me A story
give me THE story
give me MY story
tell me that God is bigger than you
BIGGER than your statements of ink
BIGGER than your powerpoint animations
than your projections of numbers
that make you impressed
but that make God stoop
give me a story that
makes me gloriously
a l i v e
to the purpose of God
makes me run without breath to keep up with His spirit
and at the same time
inviting me to
dance slowly
erotically
with
God
in an
end
les
s
m
o
m
e
n
t
of warm passion
nesting me in peace
and safety
tell me the story in new words
so that I dont trip over lame phrases of impotence
so that my mind does not vanillarize
over trivial expressions
used mindlessly by millions
who use words to steal mystery
from a transcendent God
who speaks freshly
with new mercies every morning
!surprises!
that awaken me from sleep mode
that spark in me new thoughts
dreams of impossible feats
daring adventures
miracles of the Almighty
performed by the hands
and prayers
of backstreet
backstage
people
in goodwill rags
you want a statement?
go ahead
i dare ya
double-dare ya
to box up The Omnipotent
to catch the Spirit of God
to nail the Son
on a cross-word puzzle
go ahead and try
but I wont hold my breath
and you wont hold the mission of God on a bumper sticker

Andrew Jones
Colorado Springs
December 2001

Staying with those who struggle

I had some opportunities to learn some humility on this trip to Glacier. I had two days where I ended up with heat exhaustion. It really sucks. The first day I talked with the group, after I caught up with them, about the importance of staying together. I felt bad about it because I felt like I was giving a lecture, and I'm sure that some of it came from being hurt, but it had to be said.

In our world today there is a "survival of the fittest" mentality, a desire to be first, the strongest, the best. What happens when the focus is on this is that when someone starts to struggle, they get left behind. When things start getting hard, the strong charge ahead and the weak are left behind to struggle by themselves. However, that is the time when the strong people are needed most. How many rescue situations start by someone saying "where's so-and-so?" and then finding them somewhere far behind on the trail? Sometimes at that point it is too late, as in the case of a young girl who died on an Outward Bound trip recently. This happens in hiking/backpacking, kayaking, life, and relationship with God.

This is the Glory of God, that Jesus "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:6-8) Even though Jesus was God, He didn't take a survival of the fittest approach to life, charging ahead to the finish line. Instead He became one of us, arrived on earth as the bastard son of a poor, low status family, and spent His time on earth with the people who were struggling. His closest friends were fishermen, tax collectors (these guys were worse than the IRS), prostitutes, lepers, and cripples. God saw the struggling and He came to help them. He didn't try to give them helpful advice or yell at them that they did something stupid, He walked them them and helped them with their burden, eventually taking care of the one burden they could do nothing about.

The strong are not the ones who are first to the finish line or to the top of the mountain first. The strong are those with the strength of character to use their strength to help those who are struggling. How many champions are a total jackass and how do we look at people like the firemen who ran into the World Trade Center on 9/11? Often it isn't that the strong have to carry the struggling, many times just walking with them is enough. I know that as I was struggling on our hike that I was stronger when people were with me than when I was walking on my own. When I had people with me I knew that I was going to be ok.

It's really hard to be the one who is struggling. No one wants to be the complainer and no one wants to be the weakest link. We want to be strong and self sufficient. But the truth is, sometimes we struggle and sometimes we need help. Generally when backpacking I'm the one who is checking up on everyone to make sure everyone is ok and I tend to stay behind with the slower people. It was really hard to be the one who was struggling. I know that I went at least a mile debating with myself whether I really was in trouble or whether I was just a whiner. I finally reached a point where I knew I was in trouble, and then I spoke up. However, maybe if I had the humility to admit I was struggling earlier things might not have gotten as bad. Sometimes asking for help is also a matter of whether anyone is going to care. Many people know they need help, but they don't know if anyone cares enough to help, so they keep struggling along on their own. Or maybe it is a matter of someone strong being around to ask for help. If the strong are not among the weak, there is no one to turn to for help.

The desire to be the strongest and the best permeates everything in our culture, and mostly it is glorified. We hold up the sports champion, the successful CEO, and the celebrity. However, what is the cost of glorifying the strong and ignoring the weak? How would our world be different if we had paid attention to those who are hurting and struggling? How many school shootings averted? How many suicides, run aways, drug addicts, and people locked up in prison would have a different story? How many of those people could have changed the world if someone had offered them the strength to make it through their struggle?

I believe that our world would be transformed if we stopped worrying about who was the best and started taking care of those who are struggling. That's why Jesus came to earth and that's what the Church is supposed to do. We've done a pretty poor job of it, but we're working on it.

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”
On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:10-13


The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3

Glacier Trip Info Posted

Photos, a Google Earth map, a trip summary, and other info about our trip to Glacier National Park has been posted.

Trip Info Here

River of Doubt

Just finished watching "Hotel Charley Volume 2:River of Doubt" It was interesting, not the standard kayak porn. A lot of the kayak videos are just highlights, this was a bit more comprehensive. It was of expedition trips to Columbia, Costa Rica, India, and Mexico. One of the things I like most about the kayak videos is just the scenery. Many of these places you can't reach any other way, so many times they are untouched. I so would love to have an HD TV and an upscaling DVD player, that would make these look even more sweet. One of the other things about this video is that it wasn't a bunch of hot shots doing stupid things to look cool. These are pretty ordinary guys (other than EJ) and they're just out doing what they love. It was an interesting video. Not the most exciting, but it was interesting.

Canoe Trip

Went on a canoe trip with friends today. We went on the Tippecanoe River up by Delphi. It was a great day for it, we got out early before it got too hot. Sadly, the river wasn't as clean as I remembered it. It was pretty nasty really. I took my kayaks along, to get some time in. It was a good time all together.

Photos and Info

July 4 - Dependance Day

God has been working on some things in me lately. I'm an independent person, I tend to do my own thing when I feel like doing it and I hate asking for help. Going to movies or a nice dinner are about the only things that I won't do by myself. Yet God is teaching me that always doing things on my own is not necessarily a good thing. While doing my own thing offers a lot of freedom, it puts me in a dangerous place and it robs me of the joy of sharing life with others. It also allows me to avoid being challenged and I'm not able to help others who need someone to help them through the tough stuff.

Here's my kayaking analogy (I may eventually put this in a book, I'm collecting thoughts). Going down river by myself means I don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm on my schedule and I can do exactly what I want to do. I don't have to care about anyone else, it's all about me. But if I end up in a dangerous situation, I'm on my own. There is no one there who can throw me a rope or bring my boat to shore. If I hit my head on a rock and get knocked out, I'm done. I've also found that the glory stories aren't quite as glorious if there's no one there to share it with. If I'm on my own, I could tell any story I wanted to and people may believe it, but have no reason to get excited about it. But if my buddies are there, we can celebrate that together for ages. When I rafted the Gauley, we had a swim at Sweet's Falls. Those of us who went through that still talk about it in excited tones, we shared the experience and shared something unique. People who weren't there don't understand. I have also found that when I'm on my own, I don't need to push myself. I can take the easy lines and avoid doing the stuff that I don't want to do. I need people by my side to push me to grow and make me better. I also need to come along side those who are also trying to learn. As a kayaker I don't always feel like I have much to offer. A lot of times I feel like I'm doing good to keep myself upright in the water. But I also have to remember that I can encourage other people who are new and I can make sure they aren't alone. I know that I appreciate the people who have taken the time to come along side me for encouragement and support, I need to return the favor.

I'm slowly learning that being independent may not be as great of a thing as I think it is. I need to learn how to share what is going on with me and allow people to help me. I need to swallow my pride and think of others. I need to realize that there are people who have a lot to offer me, and I have a lot to offer them. That we can share the joys of the journey together and that will be greater than what each of us seeks on our own.

Keeping your head

So I went up to the whitewater course yesterday and had a great day of kayaking. When I went a month ago I was pretty scared, this time I was pretty comfortable. I knew the course and knew that I could handle it. That doesn't mean it won't humble me from time to time, but that I'm able to competently run the course. I worked on some ferries, eddy turns, and s-turns at the bottom, where the Race runs into the St Joe. Before they opened the gates to the Race it was pretty tame. I wasn't totally hitting my eddy turns right, but I was doing pretty decent. But once they opened the gates it was a different story. A good analogy would be stepping onto a treadmill set for 8 minute miles, while wearing roller blades. It's doable, but you'd better do it right or you are going down. I think I got flipped 6 times. But here's the thing, I rolled back up every time.

It was just a matter of how important being mentally prepared and taking time to think through your situation before trying to react. A few months ago on the Flatrock I hit an eddy line wrong, it flipped me, and I swam. I knew how to roll my kayak, I can do it pretty well. But mentally I wasn't prepared. When it happened, I paniced and I forgot my training and what I knew to be true. But yesterday I was ready for it. I rolled 6 times in some challenging currents. It wasn't really because my roll was any better than it was a couple of months ago, it was because mentally I was ready for it. Instead of panicing I set up in the position, counted to 3 to calm myself, and then rolled. I came up fine without a problem (except the time I was still in the eddy line and it flipped me again, but I rolled up again).

The same thing applies to life. So often we have one little thing go wrong and we let it mess us up. Our car gets hit in traffic, someone has cancer, we get laid off our job, someone we love betrays us. These are all bad things and are going to impact us. The question is how we are going to deal with it. Is it going to take us out? Or are we going to take a moment to collect ourselves, remind ourselves of what we know to be true, and then respond with what we know to be true? Maybe the question we need to ask is do we have something solid to carry us through the hard times? Do we know how to respond that will allow us to continue on safely?

I'm training on a whitewater course, and it's a pretty safe place to learn. But even on the course one of the guys that is teaching me pointed out that we have to keep an eye on what is down stream of the next obstacle. The hole in front of us may be our next concern, but there may be a hole just past that we have to deal with also. We're going to get worked from time to time, but we need to react to that right or the next hole is going to work us too.

Return from hiking - Part 2

All my photos are posted. PLEASE leave comments and mark your favorites.

Garden of the Gods

Cataract Falls

I'll post some of my favorite photos later.

Return from hiking - Part 1

I went hiking this weekend. It was originally going to be a beginner's backpacking trip, but we ended up day hiking. The place we went to wasn't set up well for backpacking and it was hot, and it was hard to find info. The place we went to is called Garden of the Gods, it is a part of Shawnee National Forest in southern Illinois. On the way back we also stopped by Cataract Falls in western Indiana.

I went to Cataract Falls back in the beginning of January, when there was a huge amount of rain. So it was neat to compare the waterfalls to now (when it's so dry).

This is the upper Cataract Falls today:


This is the upper Cataract Falls back in January:


This is the lower Cataract Falls today:


This is the lower Cataract Falls back in January:


I'll be uploading my Garden of the Gods photos overnight and will post a couple in the morning.

Gazing - Adventure Slideshow

First run on the East Race

Video from my first time down the East Race. Sharon is in the lead, I'm behind her.

Visiting or dwelling?

Written while sitting on a rock next to a creek at my first campsite on the Fontana backpacking trip.

We have become a people of visitors instead of dwellers. We go to a place, see what there is to see, then move on to the next place. We treat our experiences in life like a TV show. We watch the church show, the friend show, the Bible show, the prayer show. When the half hour show or the hour and a half show is over, we move on. But something different happens when we dwell. We explore the finer details. we enjoy what is there. We listen, without an immediate expectation. We become a part of that place and allow it to become a part of us.

Walking in darkness

So hiking in a cave brings a whole new meaning to the word "darkness" They took away all the lights to let us experience total darkness, you can't see a thing. Total absence of light. As we hike through a cave for 3 hours, we are totally dependent on a hand full of lanterns to be able to find our way. We had a ranger in front leading us, and a ranger in back following us. We were completely in their care. Had something happened to them, we'd be hosed. Even with the lights, it would be a challenge for us to find our way out of a 350 mile long cave system. If we had lost the lights, our only option would be to sit and wait for help to come.

I think most of us, especially myself, lives in ignorance of the darkness we exist in. Our world is full of countless variables that we must navigate. We have some semblence of control over some things. I can choose to eat lunch or not. There are things that we have no control over, such as someone running a red light and crashing into us.

We do have a bit of light. I have some level of trust that at 5 am tomorrow my alarm will go off, I will get up, go to work, and in another week I will get a paycheck that I will use to pay my bills and buy food. Those are things that I have a reasonable level of confidence in. It's worked that way for the past 7 years, so there's a good chance it will work like that for at least the next week. But maybe it won't, maybe an accident will put me in the hospital. Maybe I'll lose my job. Maybe someone in my company will take off with all the money and there will be no pay check. There's no way that I can know or control those things. What I know about tomorrow is not 100% certain.

Even with some light, that doesn't mean that we know where we are going. I could spend the rest of my life working my current job and doing what I've done for the last 7 years, but maybe I might miss the opportunity of a lifetime. Maybe at one point the right thing to do is to change jobs, and my life will be much better. Maybe by taking a different path to work I'll avoid an accident that would leave me paralyzed for life. Maybe my next paycheck will have a bonus and that will enable me to do something life changing. Those are things that my light can't show me. I have to trust a guide as to where to go. I have to follow where he leads, because, even though I have my own light, I may choose the wrong path. I have to trust someone who knows the right path.

As I walked through the cave I considered all the different possibilities that could happen. An earthquake, the lamps going out, losing the group, falling into a pit. In the end, the only thing that I could do is follow the guide and use the light I had, and trust that those would lead to a place of safety.

Losing the battle to win the war

I'm a nerd, I'll admit it. I like history and yesterday I discovered a PBS show about Indiana in the Civil War. On one part of the show they talked about a general from Indiana who played a key role in the Civil War. The Northern troops were spread out and Washington DC was left lightly guarded. A confederate force started moving towards Washington DC and the only force available was this Hoosier general and his poorly trained troops. This general took his troops and got in the way of the confederates and took a stand. They were beaten, but they bought enough time for other troops to reinforce Washington DC. It was said that this general and his men accomplished more in their defeat than most did in victory.

So a couple of weeks ago I went kayaking. I'll admit, I had some pride issues. I was convinced that I was going to be the first HCC member to never swim. I was scared when I put on the water, but I think many times that my fear isn't so much about death or getting hurt as it is about failing. I really didn't want to blow it and I was afraid that I would. It took me all of 15 minutes on the river, directly across from the put in, to swim. My worst fear came true. As I saw on the bank of the river catching my breath, I struggled with myself. I was trying to figure out if I had the courage to ferry across the river back to my car to drive home. Somewhere I found the courage to get back in my boat. Then, somewhere I found the courage to roll my kayak twice, just to remind myself that I can do it. I didn't realize it until later, but I think I accomplished more there than if I had never swam. My fears came true and I kept going.

I think many times in my life I've never tried because I was afraid I would fail. That can be true in many parts of our life, whether it's with relationships with the opposite sex, jobs, adventures, and even our relationship with God. We don't try to push the limits because we're afraid that we'll get hurt or it won't work out. So we sit still and just try not to rock the boat. But when we do that, we fail to live and to experience all that could be. One of God's greater Graces to us is not just that He forgives us if we fail, He gives us permission to fail. No, God doesn't want us to fail. But He understands that if we don't fall down then we never learn to walk. It's simply part of the process and if we don't engage in that process, we'll never mature.

It's ok to struggle, struggling is good. Struggling means that we're meeting resistance, things are getting hard, but we're still going. We fall down and get back up. We end up swimming, but we get back in the boat. We get our pride handed to us shattered in a million little pieces, but we refuse to just sit there with the broken pieces of our heart. We persevere because we refuse to settle for mediocrity, we want to experience the fullness of what God offers us.

I struggle and many times I fall. There's been many battles that I've walked away from without trying to fight back. But there are also battles that I continue to fight. It's hard and it's scary, but I'm struggling.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in that grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

What do we really need?

This weekend I'm going camping at Mammoth Cave with some friends. As I'm getting together my stuff tonight I'm reminded of the contrast between car camping and backpacking for me. Even though I'm going to be staying at a developed camp ground, with showers and restrooms, a store nearby that has what I need, I always take more than I take with me backpacking. You'd think it would be reverse, when I go backpacking I'm out for 4 days with out any contact with civilization. I have to have all my food, clothing, first aid, cooking gear, sleeping stuff, everything I need to survive for 4 days in the wilderness. Yet I always take less than I do when I car camp, when civilization is right there.

I think many times our definition of "need" changes based on what we have available to us, we expand to fit the space we exist in. I take so little backpacking with me because I know that I have to carry everything on my back. So I'm willing to go with less because I know it will make my journey easier. If I know that I don't have to carry everything, I'm able to take things that may not matter for my survival but does make me more comfortable. That's ok to a point, but there also reaches a point where the stuff that makes you comfortable detracts from the experience you went out for in the first place. I absolutely hate when people take radios camping with them, I want silence! But does my fan for the roof of my tent do the same thing, drowning out the voice of the woods at night?

This very much represents two things in my life that tug at me constantly. I like being comfortable, I like gadgets, I like to be entertained. I also like simplicity, silence, and being challenged. It's difficult to find that balance between the two, because each has their time and place. Right now I think I spend too much time being comfortable. I want to be simple again, and I'm struggling with how to find that place without just running away.

Kayaking Today

I went kayaking today and I've posted details about the trip in my kayaking blog. There are pictures. PLEASE feel free to leave comments on my photos.

Kayak Journal

I ended up taking a swim. We were practicing crossing eddy lines and I messed up. An eddy line is formed when you have an object (like a rock) in the river and it creates a calm spot behind it. Where the current meets that calm, it forms a line that can be difficult to cross. So you have to make sure to cross in correctly. I didn't, and it flipped me over. I know how to roll, but I paniced. So I pulled my spray skirt and swam. It was somewhere around 45 degrees out when this happened. The guys helped me to the side. I sat a bit to catch my breath and tried to decide if I had enough courage to ferry across the river back to my car (yes, I had only gotten as far as the other side of the river). I'm not sure how I did it (have to give credit to God on this one), I got back in the boat. I did two rolls right there in the eddy to practice, and I did them ok. So we went on down the river. I did ok, not all of my eddy turns (what it's called when you cross an eddy line) were great, but no more swims. I was pretty nervous going down the river, I think mostly I was thinking of selling all my gear when I got home. We got to the take out and everything was ok.

This was a really big contrast to my trip 2 weeks ago. That one I was pretty relaxed and was able to focus a lot on the beauty of the river. I did enjoy the beauty today, but I think I spent more time worrying. This was scary. I asked myself why I was doing something that was so scary to me. I really wanted to give up, but I also knew that I would walk away feeling like a failure. I would also have to say goodbye to a lot of really great people. I also had to remember one of the reasons I decided to do this in the first place. I don't want fear to control my life. There's a lot of things that scare me, and I don't want them to. So I guess I'm going through this to build my confidence, to learn that I'm stronger and braver than I think I am. I've really needed to take on something hard, and stick with it even when it scares me. I think I've grown a lot in doing this.

I'll get a little break before I do this again. I'm going to spend this year just working on class II stuff to build my confidence. I need to get to a place where I'm fairly comfortable running something like this before making another step up.

I guess I've been humbled and encouraged. I think part of me thought that I was better than I am, a swim at the beginning ended that. I'm encouraged because, even though through the whole trip I thought about quitting, the boats weren't even loaded before I knew that I needed to keep going.

Can I get a witness?

If you've known me for very long, you know that there's always something on my mind. There's something I'm excited about and I talk about it a lot. Whether it's kayaking or backpacking or hiking or house church or a band, I usually talk a lot about what I'm excited about.

I think that's our nature, whatever fills our mind and our heart is what will pour out of our mouth. When we're excited about something, we talk about it. When we're upset or bitter about something, we talk about it. We have this intense feeling inside of us and we desire to share that with others. We want others to experience the feeling about it that we are feeling. If you've just crashed down a river in a raft and you're really pumped about it, you start talking with everyone else about it because you want them to try it so they know what it feels like. The new movie or the new band, it touched your heart and you want others to experience that.

Sometimes it is good to take time to look at what it is that fills our mind, heart, and speech. What is it that pours out of you, and is that what you want to reflect from your life? What does it tell others about what is important to you? And where does Jesus fit into that? Do we even get excited about Jesus?

I have to admit that sometimes I get way off course in the things that fill my heart and mind. I'm the type of person that I don't just like something, I love it. I guess I'm actually a rather passionate person and when I fall in love with something, it can really take over and it pours out of my mouth constantly. I need to do a better job of guarding my heart, making sure to only allow in the things that I want to pour out of my life. It's ok to have hobbies, favorite bands, things you like. But I need to do better about only allowing into my heart the things that are important in my relationship with God and with the people He has placed in my life. If loving God and loving others is the command my life should be based on, I should use that as the filter for everything I allow into my heart. Everything else I should keep in it's proper place, as an external thing that can be used by what is driving my heart.

Remind me of this next time I get really excited about something, but you don't hear me excited about my Lord and Savior.

God's Creation

Photos from Big Pine trip

This was something I wrote during a moment of inspiration as church started yesterday:

How can we improve on what God has created? If we take a river, commision our best artists, utilize the most advanced technology, it still does not come close to God's original work. How can the pyramids compare with the Himalayas? How can New York or Paris compare with the Grand Canyon? Everything that man touches, as he tries to make it his own, it loses the grandeur that was there before us. But when we enter into God's creation with wonder and awe, and desire to only treasure these great gifts, we do nothing to diminish what God has done and we come away richer in every way.

The Spectacular and the Mundane

So I'm planning a trip to Glacier National Park. For years this has been on the top of my list of the places that I've wanted to go in the world. I think it was the fall of 2000 I was in Great Smoky Mountain National Park on a backpacking trip where a guy staying at the same shelter as us was telling me that was the most spectacular park in the continental 48. Ever since then I've heard nothing but amazing things about the park. So I'm really excited to go.

The thing is, the trip is still 5 months away. I become faced with a choice, to live out the time between now and this moment I've dreamed about as time that just needs to be passed to get to where I want to go, or to live out this time as something special of it's own.

I think for many of us we find some point in time that we dream of (getting out of school, getting married, having kids, a great vacation, retirement) and then every moment between now and then is lived out as something we just need to get past. The thing is, there's a lot of other great things between now and then. God has blessings for us, things He wants to share with us, in what we see as "mundane" and "ordinary" if we would only pay attention.

I live in Indiana, not one of the more spectacular states as far as scenery. But God made Indiana too and there's surprising things here if we slow down and pay attention. One of the things I want to do this spring is find a nice Saturday or Sunday to wander downtown to take pictures of some of the neat churches and monuments downtown. I'm still working towards my goal of visiting all of Indiana's state parks, just to see what each one has to offer. A couple of months ago I discovered a huge waterfall I had no idea existed in Indiana.

Above all, we have to remember to be thankful, and enjoy, the ordinary blessings that God has put in our lives. I have a good job, I have some material blessings that I really do enjoy (I need to get my guitars out again), and I have some wonderful friends. A year and a half a go I had an opportunity to move out near Glacier. I chose not to, mostly because of the blessings that God has put in my life here. The amazing scenery out there wouldn't be nearly as special without people to share it with.

It's ok to dream of something in the future and to seek after that, sometimes that's what keeps us moving forward when we're bogged down in the ordinary. However, we can't always live our lives in the future. We have to make the most of where we are now and be thankful for all that God has given us. Sometimes the best gifts come in ordinary packages.

Tugging at your heart...

This is something that, if you are human, will tug at your heart strings. Some incredible beauty, and the sadness that people feel the need to destroy it.

As you watch the paddling segments, think about the skill involved in getting that video. That impresses me more than the paddling.

Save the Ashlu

A moment captured

I was just looking at some photos on a blog I follow and was just blown away by the amazing shots. It got me thinking about my photos. If you've ever looked at my Flickr site, I take a lot of photos. I think the reason I take a lot of photos is to try to capture the moment. When I look at the photo, it reminds me of my time there. Most of my photos aren't anything special, I won't be selling many prints. But they are valuable to me for the moment they take me back to.

Some photos do manage to capture the magic of the place. Certainly not as good as being there, but still able to stir something in the heart. This photo is one that I'm still impressed with (especially since it's a panoramic)


If you want to see some other killer photos, head over to http://therangelife.blogspot.com/ They have been having kayak photo competitions, some great photographers pulling out their best stuff. Some amazing photos. Look past the lunacy of the paddlers, look at the beauty of the world God created. I'd love to have an HD TV simply to be able to better appreciate my kayaking videos. The porn isn't just the kayak stuff, the scenery is incredible. And there's no easy tourist path to these places either.

White Fang

"Life achieves it's summit when it does to the uttermost that which it was equipped to do" - from "White Fang" by Jack London

I thought that was a really powerful statement. God created each of us for a purpose and our lives find their pinnacle when they reach that purpose. So that brings the question, what is our purpose? The really generic, pithy Christian answer is "to bring Glory to God." While that's true, that doesn't really help me a lot. Exactly how is someone as small and flawed as myself supposed to achieve something as huge as that? Thankfully, it's not our job to do that. We're not capable. That's the job of the Holy Spirit, the God who can do lives inside of those who can't do, so those who can't do are able to do what we were created to do.

In a more practible, apply to my life sense, each of us has to learn to understand, and embrace, who God made us to be. Each of us was given certain gifts and talents, and each of us place put in a certain place in life, that prepares us for what God created us to do. Then, as we seek the heart of God and to be conformed to His likeness, the desires of His heart become the desires of our hearts. So that when we combine His heart within us with the gifts and talents He blessed us with, we are able to discover who He created us to be. It's a long and humbling process, and it's meant to be that way. The only way we become strong in who we are is through struggle and work. A doctor who spends 10 years in school doesn't give up easily when difficulties come in his job.

I think many times in the church we are pressured into being what we were not created for. Working with children is not my gift. I've tried it in many capacities. While I'm able to do it, that's not what I was created for. So I don't become deeply involved in children's ministries (though I do help when it's my group's turn to help with child care). However, I have been given gifts as an organizer and planner, and a passion for the outdoors. So I continue to explore those desires and gifts to understand how I can use those for God's Glory.

With all things, our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses, and our greatest passions hold the most danger of becoming our biggest idols. Satan fears who we may become if we find our purpose, so he wants to keep us from becoming that. He knows that the greatest temptation is the prettiest apple that we want the most, and that the best lie is made up mostly of truth.

A couple of excellent resources for understanding our purpose better:
"The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren (as much as I'm against fads, it's a good book)
"Calling: Deciphering the mystery of your life" by Gary Barkalow (from John Eldredge's ministry) http://www.ransomedheart.com/RH_Ministries_Store/detail.aspx?ID=62

Sometimes I get this feeling that the church thinks to follow Jesus we have to suffer. The message I find in the Bible is that to follow Jesus is to find life, and find it to the fullest. Even when we encounter hardship when following Christ, it is not suffering but really living.


I felt closer to God here than I ever have in church

Snow

I think one of the reasons that God gave us snow was to remind us what silence sounds like. There's a magical silence that comes when snow falls. Everyone retreats inside, everything is under a heavy blanket, and the snow absorbs all sound. Some people can't stand silence, I don't know how they keep their sanity. Silence is a magical thing, sometimes we don't realize how much noise we fill our lives with. Silence helps us stop and refresh, to know what peace is. I don't find that enough, it seems like there's always a noise. After a while it just all blends together and I can't hear God or myself.

I'm sad that with the snow I can't just go play. I have to be grown up and go to work. Maybe I'll call in a snow day tomorrow :)

Discipleship and the art of kayaking

I grew up in the church. I went to Sunday school and was forced to sit through the sermons each week. Though I didn't really want to pay attention, somewhere along the lines I learned the basics of faith. For a long time I thought that was how you learned, everyone went to church growing up and everyone knew the basics. Starting in college and especially after college this word "discipleship" started appearing more and more. I didn't know what it was or how it worked. When I became a house church leader, suddenly it was my job to disciple people. I didn't know what it meant or how it worked, I'd never seen it before.

I've discovered a lot of different reasons why I got into kayaking. One of the reasons is because it put me in the place of being a student again. Not a student in the manner of sitting in a classroom, but a student in the manner of having to step into a real live situation that can be life or death, and having to navigate through it. It becomes more than a manner of learning intellectual facts, it is learning skills and a mental awareness to keep your head about you when things are not going like they should be. To learn how to survive mistakes and learn from them. To be a part of a group of people who each have to travel the path on their own, but they are traveling together to support and help and have fun. Each person has to paddle their own boat, run their own lines, and make their decisions about how they are going to run a rapid. But they have someone there to teach them how to read the path they should take, to give them encouragement and tips on how to do it, and to help them if they run into trouble. The experienced people take time to help out the new people, not in a condescending way but in the way of sharing their love for something. It is all about a group of people who have found something they love, and sharing their love of something with each other, so that they can all sharing in that joy together.

"What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and touched with our hands, concerning the Word of Life— and the life was manifested, and we have seen and testify and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was manifested to us— what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ. These things we write, so that our joy may be made complete." 1 John 1:1-4

Tonight something cool happened that has encouraged me. One of the guys asked if I would be interested in helping do some instruction. This encourages me because this says that I'm not just a newbie, just the kid hanging out, but someone who is being accepted as part of the community. Not that I have much in the way of paddling skills, I'm still a beginner there, but that I've been given a measure of respect as someone who has something to offer to others. That's an encouraging thing. I try to do that in my house church also. Give people an opportunity to contribute to the group. So that they aren't just watching, but they are being given the opportunity to share their gifts with others.

I'm still trying to figure out why I decided to get involved with something as insane as whitewater kayaking, but I've seen God grow me in some important ways through that. I'm sure more lessons are coming soon, when spring comes I'll be getting out in the real world.